Why I Love Daylight Savings (the Spring Addition)

Ah, daylight savings, spring forward, fall back and all that. My wife and I have been trying to get our daughter Sophie into a routine for a few weeks now and then along comes the government and changes things on us.

It's a nice feeling to be able to blame the government for some of my parenting difficulties. Yep, blame the government, that has a nice ring to it. I'm going to have to look for more ways they make my life hard. I wonder how difficult that's going to be . . .

But while I wasn't looking forward to daylight savings (pardon the pun), it did bring me one small, rare and petty victory over my daughter. Every morning when Sophie wakes up, my second thought is "I can't wait to see my daughter". Unfortunately (and this is something I'm working on as part of my quest to become the perfect Dad), my first thought is, "what I wouldn't give for another hour's sleep".

And guess what.

This morning, when I looked at the clock, another hour of sleep is exactly what I had got. So for the first time ever I'm grateful to daylight savings for giving me an almost normal sleep. It looks like Sophie has been preparing for daylight savings since the day she was born (all of 12 weeks).

So maybe instead of blaming the government I should do something nice, maybe give them a donation. A tithe sounds about right, 10% of my wages. On second thoughts it was a great hour's sleep, so maybe I should show some real appreciation and double that, perhaps more than double it? And what do you know, a quick look at my payslip and someone's done it already. How thoughtful of them . . .

Filters (I Don't Hear No Crying)

The other night I had been holding my daughter Sophie for about half an hour while she was trying to get to sleep. I was watching TV, I can't remember what it was, but there was nothing great on. Then, suddenly, I realised she was crying again, and not just crying, screaming. Somehow I had filtered it out completely.

My first thought was, what a crying shame to waste my moment of Zen-like focus watching TV!

My second thought was that I have moments like this every day. My journey in from Streatham officially takes about 50 minutes door to door. Some days it crawls by and the train takes an age to get from station to station. Other days I'm at work before I realise it, and haven't even got annoyed by anyone taking up my personal space on the train.

My daughter (and all babies) have the same thing. If they have decided to sleep then it's impossible to wake them. I can pick Sophie up, change her nappy and put her down in another room with no problem. This makes them great when we want to take photos as it's the onnly time they stay still - being pushed in a hollowed out log (like in the picture above) takes equal place with being tucked up in a cot. When she has decided that she doesn't want to sleep though, there is a problem. The slightest noise can wake her (heck, even no noise can wake her).

I think life would be so much easier if I could filter our attention like this. It's like the old self help saying that while you can't control what happens to you (the baby in your arms is crying), you can control how you react to it (ignore it - oops, I think "ignore" might be the wrong word here!).

If babies could concentrate on sleeping when they're meant to be sleeping, it would make parents' l Of course this is never going to happen in the real world, so put the word out I'm working to invent an attention filter, or even better, I'm looking to buy one. And I promise I won't waste it watching TV!

Good Times, Bad Times

Having a daughter has brought some of the strongest feelings in my life, and as an INTJ, feelings are not something I usually pay much attention to.

In the days of my youth
I was told what it was to be a man,
Now I've reached the age
I've tried to do all those things the best I can

Led Zep lyrics are great in that they can be bent to fit any situation. There been no brown eyed man stealing my wife away (that I know of anyway) and it been a long long time since I had any dealings with a sixteen year old girl. But what I 've found is true as a Dad is that all the things I was told "in my youth" have stared to float back. I've posted before about how everyone has advice for new Dads, but I think it's the advice people give you before you are a Dad, before you're even thinking about becoming a Dad, that is the most important.

In those days of innocence, when meeting people and discovering girls is a new adventure, fathers are people who are there in the background for most, who come home at night and watch TV. I was lucky enough to have a great Dad, but silly enough not to know it, or rather to take it for granted. After all, didn't everyone's Dad take them to tennis, to rugby, help coach their teams? The simple answer is "no".

I went down to Streatham Common last Saturday and there was lots of football training, some coaches were out there giving it everything, encouraging the kids to run up the hill, to chase the ball and do the drills. But what struck me was that there weren't many parents there. I guess sport has become a sort of a babysitting service. These kids grow up thinking that it's normal for someone else to take care of them, that parents are not for learning from, that parents are what you have when something isn't so important.

So perhaps it's not something that's said aloud, and it's defintely not politically correct to talk about how someone else is raising their children, but letting someone else bring up your kids and get the best out of them is an option. But taking it is not what I think it is to be a man.

Last Night I Dreamed I Was Holding a Baby

I think the subtitle for this post shold be something like, "Does it count as having your turn if you only dreamed it?"

Last night was my turn in charge and so I got my daughter to sleep, collapsed into bed and went straight to sleep.

Unlike her state in the picture above, I dreamed that she was grizzly, so I was rocking her to calm her and send her back to sleep. She kept crying, so I started to rock harder, full of good intentions, but I just couldn't get her down. I was finally about to admit defeat and pass her over to my wife when my wife gave me a jab in the ribs. "Ouch", I said, "what was that for?" She explained that it was my turn to get up and look after our daughter, all the rocking I had been doing was in my sleep.

A quick debate revealed that my dreamwork did not count towards anything. Usually dreaming of someone is a good thing, but from some children, there is no escape.

What Was Sleep Again?

I never really appreciated what sleep was before I had my daughter. When it's just you and your wife, a bad night's sleep is when one of you has an extra glass of wine (or whiskey) and starts to snore. A sharp elbow to the ribs soon fixes the problem and peace resumes. I haven't tried tis with my daughter yet, but I'm assuming it wouldn't work!

Not that she snores (if only snoring was the problem, I'm sure little girls can't snore too loudly). No, it's the cries and the screams that get me. Hour after hour of holding her, gently rocking, slowing down, slowing down, then speeding up again when she stirs, slowing down, slowing down again . . .

There's a sort of a Zen aspect to it after a while, we both go into a rocking trance. That usually works after about 20 minutes, then the really dangerous part begins - getting her from vertical rocking to horizontal sleeping. Talk about more sensitive than a spirit level, she knows what that movement means, Dad is trying toget away and if therer's any part of her still conscious, then that part is going to fight with everything it's got not to be left alone.

So here I am at 11pm too tired to sleep and with work getting ever closer in the morning. What better time than to post to a blog? I guess I should be flattered, really. I have a daughter that loves me, or at least cares enough to scream when I try to leave her (hey, that's a lot more than my wife does). And when she does go to sleep, there's nothing better than watching her, completely relaxed in my arms or lying on my chest. They're so trusting and content, it's impossible not to feel a surge of love go out.

There's an irony there somewhere. I think she's fickle, one minute playing and laughing, then crying, then laughing and gurgling away, but on the other hand, just when I'm getting completely fed up with her and ready to put her in a room and close the door behind her, she'll catch my eye and smile, or shut her eyes and sleep so peacefully that no Dad could resist.

So fickle Dad and fickle daughter, we make a great team. I'm not sure what she'll be like when she's older, but I'm afraid she'll be ale to get away with murder. I should start thinking up some strategies to counter her daughterly wiles, maybe I should sleep on it . . .

Have Baby, Get Ladies

Many years ago, when I was young and single, I used to diligently read all the articles on "how to pick up women" that I could find. Hours of research didn't help much, all the advice was much too contrived and desparate, but one of the most common themes was getting a wingman.

When going out at night, by necessity, that wingman would be a friend, willing to fake interest in the girl's less attractive friend for long enough to get a phone number or to crash and burn completely. But there were some other wingman options for the daylight hours.

One of the most popular was getting a small animal. Puppies are great, no girl, the theory goes, can resist stopping to pat a puppy. Use the animal to draw them into conversation. By having a puppy you are automatically seen as sensitive and caring, willing to show your vulnerable side exactly the type of man that's most attractive to women.

These articles usually had a sidenote along the lines of even better than a puppy was a baby. Preferably not your own, just one you could borrow and take for a walk in the park for a couple of hours (after all, having your own baby so you could pull women was sort of defeating the point!).

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that babies are great, and they do work, at least to get attention. the first time I took my daughter out strapped in to my chest in the Baby Bourne, I got so many glances from women that it took me a long time to realise that it was not my fly that was open, but my daughter, attracting women like flies.

There's something about a man on his own carrying a baby that gets coos - I think my record is 7 in 60 seconds, not that I would be so shallow as to count them! It's typical, all that time and effort spent trying to attract women and when you don't need them, there is all the attention in the world just out there waiting. Right, I'm off to eBay, I'm sure there must be a niche for a baby rental scheme out there somewhere and it's about time the daughter started to pay her bills!

Won't Someone Shut that Baby Up? 5 Ways to Stop the Crying

There's only one thing worse than being on public transport when there's a baby crying, and that's when the crying baby belongs to you.
When my daughter decides to cry, there is absolutely nothing I can do to make her stop straight away, there's no "off button" or mute, and abandoning her on a brick path, or on the side of the road, while tempting on occcasions, is definitely not an option.

Also, if wishing a baby would be quiet worked, then I don't think there would be such a thing as a crying baby, except maybe as a curiosity in the odd exibition at the Tate. So for that reason, a baby crying in public shouldn't be any more stressful than one crying in private at home.

Of course knowing that and acting on it are two very different things. I've made a list of 5 common reasons for crying below, and written down it seems nice and easy to identify and deal with, and most important, to understand. Now I don't recommend printing these out and passing them to the people who give out disapproving looks and expect them to nod in as understanding way and accept you as the owner of a crying baby, but sometimes it helps get things in perspective.

1. Hungry - babies cry when they're hungry. This is usually pretty easy to identify, even for novice fathers like me. Our daughter gives it away when she starts headbutting and sucking things. The solution for this is easy, just give her a feed.
   
2. Full Nappy - babies don't like having a wet nappy, and it leads to horrible things like nappy rash. Having overcome some initial reservations about how to identify it, this Dad now knows that the easiest way is giving the offending area a quick sniff. Not always pleasant, but definitely effective. The solution for this one isn't too hard either - remove old nappy, dry the area and throw on a fresh one.
   
3. Hot or Cold - babies don't like being too hot or cold and let it be known by, you guessed it, crying. Being winter in London, we don't have too much experience with the too hot part, but definitely cold hands, feet, and especially noses. The solution for a cold baby? Again, this is not rocket science, give her heat (body heat is the most effective, but like all the best solutions for babies is definitely the most labour intensive).
4. Tired - for our daughter, sleep time is one of the hardest times. We can watch her eyes start to droop, then she likes to scream, then droop, then scream. The solution? Time and lots of jiggling. Our daughter has decided only the left shoulder will do. And Mum or Dad must be standing up. And usually one other requirement that can change daily.
   
5. No Real Reason - some days, it seems, are just better than others and our daughter lets us know which is which by the simple but very efective method of crying. The solution? Not much you can do about this one, just hold her close and rock, joggle, tickle, sing, be quiet, stand up, sit down, go for a walk (I would say go for a drive, but we don't have a car, and as per my notes above, public transport is not the best option for a crying baby!). The best thing is that it stops, but as any parent knows, time slows down when your baby is upset.
   

This is not the most comprehensive list, and the remedies aren't too exhaustive, but are a starting point. I think I just have to realise that my baby. like all babies, is going to cry and that accepting it and loving her is part of parenting.

Two final thoughts that migth help you make it through the next tantrum on public transport.

1. While the buses are carrying signs about not eating smelly food or playing loud music because it disturbs other passengers, at least they haven't outlawed crying babies.
   
2. One of the perks of parenting is that you can always get your own back. Babies don't know what's happening, so can be put in the funniest outfit and positions and are powerless to stop it happening. These can make for great blackmail photos when they get older.
   

Watch Out for that Pushchair!

As a Dad (ok, so it's only been a few weeks!), I feel I can speak with authority on the subject of pushchairs and manners, namely that having a pushchair brings out bad manners in most people.

Everyone is in a hurry to get on the train or bus, though to be perfectly fair, anything that gets in their way (whether pushchairs or old ladies) is treated in the same manner - pushed or elbowed out of the way. No matter that I can get in place early and be lined up perfectly with the doors when they open, there's always someone who thinks they are more important and need to get on ahead of me.

Actually, to be honest, I'm not 100% sure of the etiquette about getting on public transport with a pushchair. I think it's probably best to get on first, because then I can get out of the way of oher passengers, putting the pushchair to the side of the carriage against the wall. If I'm last on, it inevitably ends up in the middle of the carriage and is in everyone's way even more. It's lose/lose when getting a pushchair on a train, and while not many people actually say anything, I can feel their looks burning into my back.

Still, when I'm on my way to work in the morning and force some space in the carriage, I do groan when I see someone with a pushchair. I know exactly how it feels, but that doesn't mean I have to like it when it's someone else trying to take MY space.

So please have some sympathy for a Mum or Dad who's trying to take their pushchair on public transport. It's not some thing we enjoy either, and if I could make my pushchair half the size, or even disappear then I definitely would. Just be thankful that the baby is asleep, or you'd be sharing your space with something that not only takes up room but makes a noise as well. Of course, more often that seems fair, you end up having both; but more on that another day.

Bonding with Baby

Families are all about bonding and mother and daughter have definitely bonded. But is there such a thing as too much bonding?

Spending so much time together is great for them, but it makes life hard when I come home and want some time with my daughter. She just can't stand to be without Mum, and after a few minutes starts looking around more and more frantically.

After the weekend, when I've had the chance to spend lots of time with her, things are fine again with us and she no longer looks for Mum. It worries me that they can be too close, there must be a line where they have a happy medium, but because we have no family over here and because I work during the day, there's no one else either of them can spend much time with.

It leads to jealousy on both sides, my wife says she doesn't like being in different rooms from her daughter for more than a few minutes, andwhile she claims it's ok that I can play with my daughter, she hates even the thought of anyone else touching her.

It works both ways, my wife said she was holding our daughter a few days ago when they caught sight of their reflection in the mirror, My wife carried her closer so my daughter could see herself better. Closer. Closer. Then our lovely, peaceful daughter pounced! She hit the mirror a couple of times in a rage (luckily there were no sharp objects around). How dare another baby take her place with Mum!

So now we have another rule added to our list, this one to keep baby facing away from the mirror. This is not something we can explain to her, no matter how patient we are. It's just a matter of time before she works out the truth, that she is the most loved baby ever and that no one is going to take her place. I think she knows this is the truth with Mum, as a London Dad, I just have to work out the best way to convince my daughter that Dad really wants to bond too.

Sleeping Babies and Dirty Shirts

Good news as she made a recovery from the immunisation jabs, and is a happy girl once again, and did a new record sleeping session of about six hours last night. In fact, I think she might have made it even longer, but my wife couldn't stand the suspense of waiting for our daughter to cry and woke her up about 4am. I said to her, "waking a sleeping baby, that's not very nice", the reply was mumbled, but along the lines of the boot being on the other foot for a change. Mother seems to have got very cocky now she's out of the dogbox - how quickly they both forget!

It was a real treat to feed my daughter her second ever bottle tonight. Like the first time, there was some confusion about how Dad suddenly had this new ability, but like the first time as well, she was able to put aside these thoughts and concentrate on the milk. It's an amazing feeling to feed her. I used to have pet lambs and calves when growing up back in New Zealand, and it was cool to feed them, but this is a completely new level. Just looking down into her eyes as she's sucking on the bottle makes my heart melt. I can't believe I am truly supposed to be looking after this girl, and when she looks up and smiles or coos it's the best reward I could ever have.

A few days ago I was thinking about how I'm becoming a slummy Dad and every now and then something happens to make me realise how much so. I've been walking around all night with baby vomit on my shirt and didn't even notice until my wife pointed it out. I just don't mind the mess any more, it's part of my daughter and I'm used to it, worst of all I'm expecting it - there's something wrong if she doesn't throw up after feeding. Oh, and before feeding, during feeding, in between feeding . . .

Changing nappies, on the other hand, has never been a problem for me, but I've always hated having sick on my shirt. I'm sure there's something very Freudian about that, but like a cigar can sometimes be just a cigar, a daughter's mess can sometimes jut be a mess, no matter which end it comes out!

Immunisation - The First Rite of Passage

Just put my daughter to bed after a long day. She is now the not so proud owner of two immunisation jabs, apparently proof against diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis (whooping cough), polio and Haemophilus influenzae type b (Hib), and the worst thing she has ever been through.

My wife decided to breastfeed while she got the jabs, it worked for the first one, she took it with just a whimper, but nothing was going to distract her from the second one, so Mum was in the bad books all day.

When I got home from work I've never had a daughter as glad to see me. She hadn't slept since the immunisation jabs, but about 5 minutes after I held her she was fast asleep, opening an eye occasionally to make sure Mum wasn't getting too close.

Of course, hunger won out in the end and the ban on Mum came to a finish. She's still getting suspicious looks though, and it's going to take a while to rebuild that trust.

It's a shame these things hurt so much, we thought alot about it before booking her in as there's so much in the media about links with autism and other problems. She certainly came down with a fever and spent an unhappy afternoon, but it's nothing compared to what could happen if she wasn't protected. We keep telling our daughter, "Welcome to the real world" (we didn't have the nerve to try, "This hurts us more than it hurts me", though to be honest, I think it did).

Here's hoping she'll be right again in the morning. I've got a game of paper, rock, sicissors to win against my wife to see who will take her in for the next round, a second rite of passage - it could be the most important game of my life!

Family Overseas (Tyranny of Distance)

Being a new Dad with a family overseas is both great (because of the distance) and terrible (because of the distance).

Great because my wife and I get to do things almost completely our own way and amke all our mistakes with no pressure - there's no Mum or Mum-in-Law standing over us saying "don't do it like that". On the other hand we don't have ready-made baby-sitters (!) and, because we don't speak absolutely every day, it also magnifies everything that happens. This means a joke we make about bottle feeding or giving a dummy, or an email with a funny photo can get completely misconstrued.

I'm now being extra careful with the photos, I've learnt to use The GIMP, a free image editor, which lest you paste in fake backgrounds and make things look much more exciting and dangerous than they really are. While I don't think they believed the one with the shark about to bite, the ones with her sitting alone in the log didn't go down too well. Dad was about a yard away, I promise!

There's a great "Split Enz" song (Six Months in a Leaky Boat) that talks about the "tryanny of distance":

"Aotearoa, rugged individual,
Glisten like a pearl,
At the bottom of the world.
The tyranny of distance,
Didn't stop the cavalier,
So why should it stop me,
I'll conquer and stay free."

Not quite sure what that means, but for me it means that Aotearoa (the Maori word for New Zealand) is a long way away from London and of course London is a long way from New Zealand too. As much as we share photos and the hours we spend on the web cam, it's not the same as having family there. I can see Mum wince over the web cam if she thinks I'm holding my daughter the wrong way, she's wonderful and doesn't say anything, but I know.

Still, I think we're doing ok, and are going to make the trip back in a couple of months to show the results of all our parenting. Not entirely looking forward to the flight (over 30 hours), so will be looking for some advice on flying with a new child. It's going to be an interesting time and I think we'll spend the flight back here relieved, but also wiser because we've got a lot to learn and a lot of people willing to give advice. That old selective hearing might just come in handy once again!

Yummy Dad, Slummy Dad

One of the hardest thing about having a new daughter is that the time for the things I used to take for granted has disappeared. Whether it's sitting in front of TV, reading a book or looking something up on the internet, there's now always a certain someone else wanting attention. More importantly, she's someone I want to give all my attention to.

I used to have a real need to get out of the flat, with all the parks around here it doesn't take long to throw on the running shoes and get some fresh air. But now it's winter and it's dark and cold out there while my warm daughter is inside and she is definitely the more attractive option.

So I'm now more likely to throw on an old polar fleece than my running shoes when I walk in the door. Like wearing out the shoes used to be a runner's badge of honour, now it's my shirt that's covered in baby sick (yes it's also washed every couple of days!) that is my uniform.

So the intellectual, athletic, serious non-Dad is slowly changing into a fun time, slummy Dad. Maybe it's just a phase, but I can see the cardigan, pipe and slippers cliche drawing ever closer. I'm not sure what's more scary - that I can see it happening, or that it doesn't worry me.

New Dads - Everyone's Got Some Advice

One thing I've noticed is that everyone is full of advice for me as a new Dad. While this can be useful, I like the chance to make my own mistakes. Actually, while I like accidently doing the right thing (then I can call it natural talent), I hate making mistakes. Mistakes usally mean jiggling a crying baby at some crazy hour of the morning, or smearing on nappy rash cream and praying the redness goes away before Mum sees.

So I'm not a naturally talented Dad, but I am a tryer and I think I'm doing ok. I won't admit it, but it makes me feel great when my wife says I did well, or at least when she doens't roll her eyes. I try to do my share with our daughter, jiggling her and trying to get her to sleep. One thing I still can't do though is breastfeed (in one of our early attempts to bond I did have a "skin to skin" session with my daughter that lead to a painful yelp from me and a confused crying session from her - I've tended to keep a t-shirt on ever since!).

Not sure where this post is going now, but in spite of the above I am open to advice. It's great when people take the time and care enough to pass something on. So please, keep the advice coming - but remember, this not-so-perfect Dad has selective, not-so-perfect hearing!

First Smile and Wish Fulfilment

I'm not a great believer in wish fulfilment, I think that people have to work for what they get and that if something comes too easily then it's not always valued as much as it should be. That said, like most people I know, this should be applied to others more than to me - I'm the exception!

A few nights ago I was saying to my wife that it was about time we had some reward. I'm a technical person and like things to "plug and play". So much so that despite the books I'd read, when my new baby turned up I was expecting talking within a few days. Maybe not full conversations, but perhaps enough to talk about the weather (she is English after all!). Not only did I not get talking, I didn't get her eyes focused on me. This daughter of mine was definitely one toy that wasn't going to work straight out of the box.

But back to my reward, two nights after I said this I was changing her nappy and she was in a great mood. It was one of those father and daughter bonding moments when she was kicking and cooing and there it was - a smile. Naturally suspicious, I waited for the inevitable burp or bowel movement that had followed these face pullings in the past. And waited. And waited. Nothing.

So there it was, her first smile, and I feel I've earned it with hours of jiggling and rocking and walking up and down the room. It might be that smiles are free, but I've never worked so hard for one or felt so great when it came, than my daughter's first smile to her Dad.

Finding Childcare in London

I came home on Tuesday night to find my wife in tears, my first thought was that something was wrong with our daughter. "No, she's fine," she said, "but you need to watch this". I sat down and started watching the BBC Undercover programme about childcare and all the discussions we'd had about finding a nursery and her going back to work came rushing back. It's still available on the BBC iPlayer for a couple of days if you get the chance to watch it, or there's an on the BBC website.

Some horriffic stuff going on, as one of their reporters went undercover and spent time in an handful of nurseries. This first hand account was backed up by an Ofsted officer who said that Out of 700 nurseries she and colleagues had inspected, she had found only five that she would have let her own two children go to. Ofsted inspectors are under a lot of pressure to pass child care facilities unless something is just too bad to ignore. There is a real shortage of day care and the cracks are definitely showing.

I guess I was a bit naive and somehow thought there would be higher standards when looking after children, but it seems fake CVs about in child care as much as they do in other workplaces. It seems almost anyone can be seen as fit to look after a child when the childcare company is trying to turn a profit - as always lower skilled and younger the worker the less you have to pay and the less likely they are to go and cause trouble reporting to the authorities (who don't seem too interested anyway).

Anyway, this is turning into a bit of a rant, but childcare is the thing I'm most worried about. What options do parents living in London have when maternity leave comes to an end? There aren't many who can survive with only one parent in work, even if you just want to live a "normal life". Our daugther is so precious I sometimes wonder about leaving my wife in charge of her (hopefully she doesn't read this!). Seriously though, we're looking at some places at the moment and it's easier to cross places off the list than put them on it.

First Post

8 weeks and one day ago I became a new dad. My daughter is the most beautiful, most challenging and most demanding this I've ever been responsible for. On the one hand, it still hasn't hit me that I am in this for life, and on the other, it seems link she's been with me forever, not just 2008. Every time I look at her I can't help feeling I'm the luckiest dad in the world.

That said, I know I've got a lot to learn about being a new dad and I hope to share here some of what I go through. Hopefully others will find useful (though I'm not sure whether they will laugh at or learn from my mistakes!), or even better, offer some advice.